Hard is Not the Absence of His Goodness

February 26, 2017

This past week has been an absolutely whirlwind and a mixture of emotions. On Monday I shared with IG community and my facebook friends we received the beautiful news that I have NO new Cancer spots. Next year (at the 5 year mark in May 2018) I can officially say that I do not have Cancer, and to be getting closer to this goal is such a beautiful gift. Thank you for all of y'all who were praying for this appointment and continue to pray for me and my health every single day. 

As we rejoiced greatly in this news on Monday evening, we had tears of joy. Unfortunately within 24 hours I also had tears of frustration as I ended up back in the ER with issues with #courtneytheportney. You would think that I would be used to the ups and downs of this journey, but this week things hit me hard. To be frank, I am very ready to be finished with this season. It has been a long four years and as another milestone marker is approaching, I have deeply struggled, weeping often behind the scenes. Recently, I have felt such a tug-of-war about wishing my story was different. I have cried many tears about the deep aching and longing of dreams that I see others receiving and living while some days I struggle to complete the necessary treatment protocol before me. It is a true relinquishing of many many many hopes and dreams on this long journey to the One who loves me more than life. 

I shared back at the beginning of January that my word for this year was "rachat" which is a french word for restoration and redemption. After I had spent a lot of time praying about the word for the year, I had felt so impressed that this was the word. To be honest, I think I expected things to come in mightily and quickly at the beginning of the year, but the last two months have held some further crumbling of some dreams in some areas. The other day, okay again yesterday, *smiles* I found myself moaning and complaining to the Lord as I was taking my daily walk. I kept saying, "Hasn't this season lasted long enough?" "Hasn't there been enough sickness and pain?" "Haven't I endured enough on this journey?" On and on I went complaining and weeping as I walked. Suddenly there was a huge gust of wind and as I looked up at the trees that surrounded me I stopped short and then I wept... this time remembering.
The wind transported me back to another time period 7 years ago when my health really started to crash and I was taking a walk and I had been crying out to the Lord for answers when there seemed to be none. Another memory flashed through my mind of wind blowing four years ago when I sat out in my front yard crying because I was too weak to walk or stand and a well known hospital in the US had just told me that there was no hope. And then I thought of the wind blowing when I was on my first cruise three years ago this past week and I was watching the sunrise with a gentle breeze blowing on my face and I was begging the Lord for wisdom for an upcoming appointment with my now current medical team. And I thought of last year at this time when I was so excited to have the winter wind blowing on my face as I was able to consistently walk an 1/8th of a mile with no assistance and yet begging the Lord for more. 

I stood there weeping yesterday as I remembered all of these memories and more that continued to go through my mind... times of tears, times of deep aching, times of heart-wrenching heartache, and yet times where the Lord has faithfully answered. Faithfully meeting every single one of my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs, never abandoning me. 

This past week my dear friend Blythe posted a former blog post of Kara Tippetts on Mundane Faithfulness which you can read HERE. I actually remember reading that blog post when it originally was posted by Kara, but this week it had even greater significance to me and gently reminded my gentle and fragile heart of the Lords faithfulness and goodness:

"I do want more time but more than all of that, I want Jesus. More than my wants, I want what I know is mine to receive. It is not easy to receive the hard story when all you want is to live in the simple mundane of today. But I trust Jesus, I trust him. He sometimes must pry my fingers loose one finger at a time, but He is good in His opening of my hands. He is good even if I struggle to choke out the words: HARD IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF HIS GOODNESS."

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."
-Job 13:15-

And maybe what I am learning most of all in this journey is the Lord's utter gentleness and mercy, once again. He is so good. He has never abandoned us and He never will. More than anything I want Jesus. Day by day the Lord meets us and the grace and mercy and the blessings as I stop and count them are numerous. 

He is good. He is good. He is good. Hard is not the absence of His goodness. 

I wanted to take a quick moment to say how grateful I am for your extreme patience as I am very behind in responding to some emails, some messages, and some sweet packages and letters that have arrived in the mail in the last couple of weeks. I also appreciate your patience as many of you ask for more regular updates on my health. I know it has been quite a while since the last update and I appreciate your patience. February with my health has been mostly about putting one foot in front of the other, grabbing the good moments and trying to make them last as long as possible, and continuing to press forward with this difficult treatment round. Thank you for your love and patience as I am still working to respond to the outpouring of love. Thank you for giving me grace in this area. 

As always I remain so grateful for all of your prayers for this journey. Thank you for covering  me in prayer, your prayers for my family and loved ones who are walking this journey with me every single day, and for the Lord's provision and mercy to answer each of these requests that are before us. Here are some of the most pressing prayer requests... 

Prayer Requests... 
1. As a few of you are aware the one IV medicine that I am on that is a part of this protocol for treatment round #4 is still giving us some serious issues with #courtneytheportney. Unfortunately this medicine causes ports to clog, and this can be extremely dangerous. There are medicines that help with this, but our number one prayer request is that the Lord would work miraculously and that instead of being dependent on this medicine that the port would flow with absolutely no more issues. 

2. As some of you are aware for the past several years I have been struggling with severe anemia that has caused a lot of issues. At one point in this journey I was able to raise my ferratin level up to about 24 which was HUGE but unfortunately ever since the blood clot last year I have struggled to get back into the double digit numbers. At one point it was very dangerously low, and we are praying that instead of going down (which it is currently doing) it will continue to raise. I am taking several supplements and medicines and eating extremely iron rich food and we are asking for prayer that this would indeed improve as I have struggled in the past with iron infusions

3. As some of you are aware I would continue to ask that you pray that the Lord remove the inflammation that Lyme has caused in many areas of my body. This is a serious prayer request as it comes with lots of different issues and I would covet prayer that this would be answered. 

4. As always we would ask for prayers for the Lord to provide financially. We are choosing to add some additional therapies into my protocol which will cost extra money, and in addition to this I received word that one of my main meds for this treatment round will be increasing in price by nearly $4000 a month and I have some other unexpected expenses (due to the several ER visits that have had to happen in the beginning of this year). It is a very tough time financially. Thank you for joining us in prayer for this request.

5. The infection that I have mentioned several times over the last two months is s-l-o-w-l-y getting better but still needs to be fully healed. Thank you for continuing to pray for this. 

6. I am struggling with one of my IV meds that is causing lots and lots of sickness and pain. Would you please pray that I can handle this difficult med as we continue to up the dosage? Thank you!

7. I have some private prayer requests that I would ask you to join me in praying for.

Thank you for continuing to walk this long journey with me. Thank you for carrying me and my family in prayer. Your support, your encouragement and your love are some of the ultimate blessings on this journey and they are completely priceless. 

"Let us know, let us strive to know Adonai. That He will come is as certain as the morning sun..."
-Hosea 6:3-

"For I will restore your health to you, your wounds I will heal" declares the Lord."
-Jeremiah 30:17

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter..."
-Joel 2:25-


  1. This was so good. Praying for you and for healing, Friend!

    1. Thank you so much Callie for reading and for stopping by and for your sweet words of encouragement. I am so grateful for your support and ALL of your prayers!! Thank you SO much!! I hope that you are having a wonderful week so far!

      Blessings, Rebecca :)

  2. You are amazing. Praying for you right now!

    1. ​​
      Awww. Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers!! I can definitely feel them and see so many ways that the Lord is answering!

      Hope you are having a wonderful week so far!!

      Blessings, Rebecca

  3. Praying for complete healing! Hugs to you and your Mom!

    1. THANK YOU so much!!! Mom and I are sending hugs back to you!! It was so delightful to meet you and we sooo appreciate your prayers!! You are a blessing!!