"Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure." You have made my lot secure."
- Psalm 16:five-
For the past several months there have been has been a change in the wind around this little space. But more than just this little blog there has been a change in the wind deep within my heart. Its been hard to describe or put into words exactly what was taking place because sometimes the deepest things are the hardest to explain.
In the past several months as certain changes had to be made due to my health and it became obvious that this journey was far from over there was a deep unrest that began to grow in my heart. At first it was a tiny little seedling but it quickly grew to a very wide weed that was threatening to choke out the life within my heart. I had alluded to this on the blog but as I felt everything within my life completely shift and change I struggled to fight to save who I had been. I prayed more than I ever have for healing and prayed that I would be able to quickly return to the life that I loved and the life that I envisioned was my future. I went from being a completely independent gal who loved her job, loved ballroom dancing (and competitive ballroom dancing), serving in my church and community, and living life with others. I also went from feeling useful for the Lord to feeling completely useless. (I hear this a lot with those whose lives have changed completely due to illness.) It has been one of the must humbling parts of the journey.
And for a while this was honestly one of the hardest parts of the journey. The heartbreak, the pain (physically and emotionally), and the knowledge that things are not what I ever envisioned. All of this part has been a huge journey to walk.
Over the last few months my heart has wrestled through, prayed through, and found peace in the verse that I posted at the start of this post:
"Lord, YOU have assigned me my portion and my cup, and have made my lot secure."
The Lord has assigned me my portion and my cup.
I have also been thinking about Mary (Jesus' mothers) last words recorded in scripture. She said: "Do whatever He tells you". What an amazing thing to say. In these simple 5 words we hear trust, belief, but also acceptance.
And y'all I am learning that acceptance changes everything. Absolutely everything. It changes the way that we view our circumstances, our lives, and the way that we approach everyday. Acceptance in a circumstance is defeat, but acceptance in Christ is victory.
As y'all have been so supportive and have been cheering me on with your love and support through this journey I have been incredibly thankful. This space has allowed me to express and work through things that I never imagined having to work through or go through. This space has allowed my heart to bleed the words that have been trapped deep inside and to testify to the goodness of the Lord. This space has truly become an online journal of the good, the bad, and the extremely difficult.
And as I have worked through all of these things and the tides of changing emotions my faith has grown exponentially. I have cried tears of pain but also tears of joy. I have seen (despite the bad) the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I can testify without a shadow of a doubt the truth that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I can share His love more freely as I have seen in new ways the Lord's abundant love for me.
I have learned a whole new way to pray as I have stepped out and seen the ways that the Lord has answered time and time and time again. I have seen His mercy in the most difficult moments and His beautiful grace in the good moments. I have seen His incredible love through so many people including my family, my best friends, and strangers. I see His goodness in the miraculous and also in the ordinary moments of each life.
And I am learning to delight in the ordinary.
I move on from the past with such gratitude for the thousands of precious memories but I have found peace and acceptance in the present and in the future. I trust my little heart with an unknown future to a God who is known and makes Himself known everyday.
In this acceptance has come a greater peace with the Lord then I have ever found. As I have abandoned my plans, my dreams, my expectations and have exchanged them for knowing the Lord I have found a greater joy then I have ever thought possible.
"Lord, here I hold within my trembling hand this will of mine, a think which seemth small. Only Thou, O Christ, canst understand how when I yield Thee this, I yield my all. It hath been wet with tears and stained with sighs, clenched in my grasp till beauty it hath none. Now from Thy footstool where it prostrate lies, the prayer ascendeth: Let Thy will be done."
His unfathomable love has become the greatest and most important thing in my life (even more than getting better) and with that has come a confidence in the fact that while I might feel useless, it is the Lord that has assigned me my cup and portion and I am content for His will to be done.
With all of these changes to my personal life I wanted to change the look of the blog. I had been thinking about it for a while but the timing never seemed exactly right. I love the new design and the simplicity of it. I feel like it completely reflects my simple heart and the love and joy that I am finding in delighting in the ordinary.
The prayer below from Betty Scott Stam (a missionary who was a martyr for Christ) has become my the prayer of my life and heart:
"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever.Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt. Send me where Thou wilt. Work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."
As this journey continues I want to say once again "thank you" for all of your love, support, and faithful prayers. Every single day I see the way that the Lord answers all of them. Thank you so much friends. My prayer for you that you would experience and find the deep peace that comes with knowing the Lord. He is so good.