Time is the most unique thing- isn't it? It is the most precious commodity and often when we are experiencing "good times" in life time seems to "fly" and we can never get enough of it and yet when we encounter hardships we often are surprised at how long something lasts.
And sometimes... well sometimes life is a bittersweet mixture of both. I mentioned this in a post last month, entitled, "simple reflections on welcoming fall if you are hurting" (click HERE to read), but something took place personally behind the scenes in my life (in addition to the hiking fall) that left me stunned and with a ton of questions... and very deeply hurt and wounded. I haven't talked about it (obviously) on line here as I keep a lot of my private life- private and the things that involve others in my close knit circle - private... but it left me wanting to hold onto summer a little longer than ever.
As I was out walking after work yesterday I kept thinking about this "bittersweet" season that I am finding myself in. There are a lot of amazing things that are going on behind the scenes and many that I am looking forward to sharing with you in the upcoming weeks and days. This summer held some of the sweetest days and memories for me and yet August 1st (the day that the fall happened) and then this very private situation that honestly I didn't recognize or know at first was something that was taking place... I have felt a bit like I have been just trying to regain a bit of "balance" as I try to heal - not sure if that is honestly even the right word...
I am not trying to keep things "secret" but I do appreciate the ways that this community has always been extremely supportive of my personal life being very private and so I will just say that I am still healing from this situation and physically from the fall and a couple of additional other things that took place- all at the beginning of August. For the thing most on my heart, I still have a lot of questions and at this point I am slowly coming to acknowledge the fact that I might never get answers which has brought about its own grief. For me as a relationship person- who deeply loves others in my life- experiencing something that has taken place - with no explanation has been one of the most painful things I have ever walked through.
It is very hard. It is very painful. It has been very very difficult... and the tears have fallen often. I still believe (because I do believe the best about everyone) that there was not intentional hurt but sometimes things are messy.
In the midst of that I have been fighting to see the beautiful hope in the ordinary moments around me. If you live life closely with me then you know that some days this has been well done and other days I have appreciated the space to just be silent and just grieve. I have been so grateful for the beautiful and tender grace to meet me in the pain.
It is very hard. It is very painful. It has been very very difficult... and the tears have fallen often. I still believe (because I do believe the best about everyone) that there was not intentional hurt but sometimes things are messy.
In the midst of that I have been fighting to see the beautiful hope in the ordinary moments around me. If you live life closely with me then you know that some days this has been well done and other days I have appreciated the space to just be silent and just grieve. I have been so grateful for the beautiful and tender grace to meet me in the pain.
The few people that have confidentially been walking this season with me have kindly classified it as "awful" ... and it has been. It has stretched me and grown me in ways that I never would have chosen before. It has molded my often selfish heart to be more understanding, more patient, more kind, more gracious, and more loving... all because I have been the recipient of such extravagant measures of each of these things.
As we moved out of the camp and woods this past weekend and moved back to the house... my grandmothers house where some of the most difficult years of life happened, I have been gently and humbly reminded of some things.
I remember when we first moved into this home - my grandmothers cottage-10 years ago so that I could be closer to a team of doctors who were willing to work with my main medical team in California. At this time I was seriouly ill and hope was a very tenious thread. We moved into this tiny teeny home (that was really meant for just one person) my parents completely displaced (sleeping on an air mattress in the living room), my dad needing to step outside (even in the snow drifts of winter to take phone calls because there was hardly good phone reception at that time), all of us learning to live with a lot less and everyone sacrificing to help me get better. It was hard. It was really hard sometimes... especially when I was often sick and there was not much space... but in this tiny teeny space and house... I learned so much about love.
Love that is faithful and unbending.
Love that doesn't walk away when life is tough.
Love that believes in the bigness of God and the miracles He still performs today.
Love that gently quotes encouragement to hurting hearts.
Love that listens to life-giving music on replay again and again because it helps remind of us of truth. Love that chooses laughter in silly things over tears.
Love that sacrficied the things that many people wanted and needed.
Love that comforts in pain.
Love that chooses to create a haven against all odds.
Love that chooses to believe and hope in all things.
I was so changed by that beautiful love and it still surrounds me still.
So as we entered back into this home on Sunday...this teeny tiny cottage and I am reminded that love will provide for me daily on this journey - emotionally, physically, spiritually. Love that is willing to walk into the darkness, and is not afraid of the scary and long and winding road of this beautiful journey of life.
Thank you so much for all of your love and support and prayers and for this amazing community who has been walking this journey of Caravan Sonnet. I am so incredibly grateful for each of you!
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